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User avatar
By CAL
#271159
Jason wrote:The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.

But Grandpa's own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it!"
:roflcat:
User avatar
By kraine
#271160
Suspicious quotation marks:

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User avatar
By Jason
#271209
another dog :lol:
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User avatar
By Flyingseb
#271273
Jason wrote:another dog :lol:
:roflcat:


Long life to this topic!
User avatar
By J ball
#271321
:ditto: :rofl:
User avatar
By BBJCaptain
#271455
The older I get, the less funny this is!!







Here is the riddle….Try to come up with the answer on your own.
However, the answer is at the bottom for those who are unable
to think this one through.

Here's the riddle:


At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite
sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two
skyscrapers at the 85th floor.


The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.


They are both thinking the exact same thing...What are they both thinking?



















DON'T LOOK DOWN!!!
User avatar
By BBJCaptain
#271456
The Deaf Wife

Bert feared his wife Peg wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid.
Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family Doctor to discuss the problem.
The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the Doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

'Here's what you do,' said the Doctor, 'stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not,
go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.'
That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was In the den. He says to himself, 'I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what
happens.'Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?' No response..

So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, 'Peg, what's for dinner?'
Still no response.
Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his Wife and asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?'
Again he gets no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away. 'Honey, what's for dinner.
Again there is no response.
So he walks right up behind her. 'Peg, what's for dinner?'

'For Gods sake, Ralph, for the FIFTH time, CHICKEN!'
User avatar
By BBJCaptain
#271457
“SENSITIVITY”


- The wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I
did .... she’s 21 and her name’s Suzie.

- Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting
“pedophile” and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 23
and I’m 50. It completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.

- My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class
give him a hand-job. I said, “Son, that’s 3 schools this year! You’d
better stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”

- Just been to the gym. They’ve got a new machine in. Could only
use it for half an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s great though. It
provides me with everything I need - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers,
Potato Crisps, the lot..

- The cost of living has now gotten so bad that my wife is having sex
with me because she can’t afford batteries.

- A man calls 911 and says, “I think my wife is dead.” The operator
says, “How do you know?” He says, “The sex is about the same, but
the ironing is piling up!”

- I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get
reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said
she would like to come back as a cow. I said, “You obviously haven’t
been listening.”

- My wife has been missing a week now. The police said to prepare
for the worst. So, I had to go down to Goodwill to get all of her
clothes back.

- I’ve heard that Apple has scrapped their plans for the new
children’s-oriented iPod, after realizing that “iTouch Kids” is not a
good product name.

- The Red Cross just knocked on my door and asked if we could
contribute towards the floods in Pakistan . I said we’d love to, but our
garden hose only reaches to the driveway!
User avatar
By Bobfly
#271510
BBJCaptain wrote:The older I get, the less funny this is!!







Here is the riddle….Try to come up with the answer on your own.
However, the answer is at the bottom for those who are unable
to think this one through.

Here's the riddle:


At the exact same time, there are two 35-year-old men on opposite
sides of the earth. One is walking a tight rope between two
skyscrapers at the 85th floor.


The other is getting oral sex from an 85-year-old toothless woman.


They are both thinking the exact same thing...What are they both thinking?



















DON'T LOOK DOWN!!!

Wish i were someplace else?!?! :surrender:
User avatar
By BBJCaptain
#271525
SIMPLE TRUTH 1
Partners help each other undress before sex.
However after sex, they always dress on their own.

Moral of the story:
In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.

SIMPLE TRUTH 2
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch the stomach and saying "congrats."

But, none of them come and touch the man's penis and say "Good job".

Moral of the story:
"Hard work is never appreciated.”


No Underwear - Makes Sense to Me

A man came to visit his grandparents, and he noticed his grandfather
sitting on the porch in the rocking chair wearing only a shirt, with
nothing on from the waist down.

'Grandpa, what are you doing? Your weenie is out in the wind for
everyone to see!' he exclaimed. The old man looked off in the
distance without answering.

'Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below
the waist?' he asked again.

The old man slowly looked at him and said, 'Well....last week I sat
out here with no shirt on and I got a stiff neck.

This is your grandma's idea!
User avatar
By LadyHawk
#271548
Hallmark: When you want to send the very best....
Attachments
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User avatar
By LadyHawk
#272497
Written by a man, of course. Not me. I don't have that body part. :)

I was banging this nice lady on her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, “It’s my husband! Quick, try the back door!”
Thinking back, I really should have run – but you don’t get offers like that every day.

I saw a fortuneteller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I fucked a girl called Penny – is that spooky or what?
By Phoenix
#272505
LadyHawk wrote:Written by a man, of course. Not me. I don't have that body part. :)
Yeah, You do! It's the true Bernoulli as opposed to the inverse. :rofl:
User avatar
By Jason
#272515
saw this yesterday morning
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User avatar
By J ball
#272522
Dudes got mad rock crawlin skills :mosh:
User avatar
By Wonder Boy
#272541
J ball wrote:Dudes got mad rock crawlin skills :mosh:
Yeah but you can only get so far with the skinny pedal as they found out..... :oops:


Mike
User avatar
By LadyHawk
#272551
What does a 72-year-old snatch taste like?

Depends...
_____________________________________________________________
I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can't get the cobwebs out of her hair.
_____________________________________________________________
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well, I was amazed, I never knew they worked.
_____________________________________________________________
A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, ''Shut up...you're next!''
_____________________________________________________________
A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: “My friend is dead! What can I do?”

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: “Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard.

The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: “OK, now what?“
User avatar
By Fred Wilson
#273570
A guy in a bar was about as drunk as it's possible to get.

A group of guys notice his condition and decide to be good Samaritans and take him home.
First they stand him up to get to his wallet so they can find out where he lives, but he keeps falling down.
He fell down eight more times on the way to the car, each time with a real thud.
After they get to his house, he falls down another four times getting him to the door.
His wife comes to the door, and one guy says, "We brought your husband home."

The wife asks, "Where's his wheelchair?"
User avatar
By Fred Wilson
#273571
The passenger tapped the cab driver on the shoulder to ask him something.
The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped inches from a department store window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said,
"Look mister, don't ever do that again. You scared me half to death!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that a little tap could scare him so much.

The driver replied, "You're right. I'm sorry. Really, it's not your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a hearse for 25 years."
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