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By whitemaw
Today was a pretty busy day. I was busier than a pair of jumper cables at a redneck picnic.
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By BBJCaptain


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By BBJCaptain
--- Splinters in Her Crotch .

A woman from Los Angeles who was a tree hugger, a liberal Democrat, and an anti-hunter, purchased a piece of timberland near Colville , WA . There was a large tree on one of the highest points in the tract. She wanted a good view of the natural splendor of her land so she started to climb the big tree. As she neared the top she encountered a spotted owl that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the tree to the ground and got many splinters in her crotch. In considerable pain, she hurried to a local ER to see a doctor. She told him she was an environmentalist, a democrat, and an anti-hunter and how she came to get all the splinters. The doctor listened to her story with great patience and then told her to go wait in the examining room and he would see if he could help her.

She sat and waited three hours before the doctor reappeared. The angry woman demanded, "What took you so long?" He smiled and then told her, "Well, I had to get permits from the Environmental
Protection Agency, the Forest Service, and the Bureau of Land Management before I could remove old-growth timber from a "recreational area" so close to a waste treatment facility. I'm sorry, but due to Obama-Care they turned me down."
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By Bobfly
Good one, BBJ!

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By SeeMarkFly
Wodin wrote:maybe someone else can post this link so it displays properly
Here it is.
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By LadyHawk
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By BBJCaptain
A pilot gets home late..............

He left home about 8:30 a.m. to do some work in his
hanger at the airport with his friends. On the way out the door he
answered his wife's "what time will you be home?" question with
"probably about 1:30, I'll have lunch at the airport."

1:30 came & went, 3:00 passed, 6:15, still not home,
finally at about 7:00 pm he rolls in the driveway, and
presents his wife with a pizza, and begins the apologetic story.

I finished cleaning the plane about 11:30, had lunch, and
I started home, when alongside the road I saw this attractive girl
with a flat tire on her car. I stopped to help, got the tire changed,
and looked around for a place to wash my hands. She offered
money, but I refused, so she suggested that I at least allow her
to buy me a beer.

She said there's a tavern just up the road, and they have a
restroom, you can clean up a bit. I agreed to stop, we had a
beer, then another beer, then a couple more, and I realized
that this girl was not only pretty, she was very friendly, and a good
companion to spend time with. Before I knew it, we were in the motel
next door having sex. And that is why I am so late getting home.

His wife looked him right in the eye and said "don't s*** me;

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By jjcote
Why did he go to all the trouble to make up that story when he could have just said, "What? I'm home six and a half hours early!"
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By RavenHawk
Man, if I had a nickel for every time I've used that one.......
By Avolare
By Avolare
Warning!!!! It's a bit gross, but the commentary is funny.

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By RavenHawk
Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said,"'Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello, George. What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
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By SeeMarkFly
RavenHawk wrote:Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
To a realist, the glass is just right. Half full of water and half full of air.
1797_9350_450.jpg (102.23 KiB) Viewed 3425 times
By ksykes
How do you know if you are talking to a socially confident engineer?

He is staring at your shoes instead of his own..
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By deeprecon1
lmao ... all joking aside I ordered a gross of them .... :crazy:

Ya you feel and taste the difference huney .. just close your eyes open your mouth ..... :drool:

By Phoenix
SeeMarkFly wrote:
RavenHawk wrote:Understanding Engineers #2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
To a realist, the glass is just right. Half full of water and half full of air.
NOT to the beer drinker it ain't!
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By BBJCaptain
I finally found the jerk that ruined our
Peace and Quiet :ahh:
get-attachment.aspx.jpg (40.15 KiB) Viewed 3710 times
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By red
In the USA,
_What They Learn in School_

In the schools now, they want them to know all about marijuana, crack, heroin, and amphetamines,
Because then they won't be interested in marijuana, crack, heroin, and amphetamines,

But they don't want to tell them anything about sex
because if the schools tell them about sex, then they will be interested in sex,

But if the schools don't tell them anything about sex,
Then they will have high morals, and no one will get pregnant, and everything will be all right,

And they do want them to know a lot about computers so they will out-compete the Japanese,
But they don't want them to know anything about real science because then they will lose their faith and become secular humanists,

And they do want them to know all about this great land of ours so they will be patriotic,
But they don't want them to learn about the tragedy and pain in its real history
because then they will be critical about this great land of ours and we will be passively taken over by a foreign power,

And they want them to learn how to think for themselves so they can get good jobs and be successful,
But they don't want them to have books that confront them with real ideas because that will confuse their values,

And they'd like them to be good parents,
but they can't teach them about families because that takes them back to how you get to be a family,

And they want to warn them about how not to get AIDS
But that would mean telling them how not to get AIDS,

And they'd like them to know the Constitution,
But they don't like some of those amendments except when they are invoked by the people they agree with,

And they'd like them to vote,
But they don't want them to discuss current events because it might be controversial and upset them
and make them want to take drugs, which they already have told them all about,

And they want to teach them the importance of morality,
But they also want them to learn that Winning is not everything -- it is the Only Thing,

And they want them to be well-read,
But they don't want them to read Chaucer or Shakespeare or Aristophanes or Mark Twain or Ernest Hemingway or John Steinbeck,
because that will corrupt them,

And they don't want them to know anything about art
because that will make them weird,
But they do want them to know about music so they can march in the band,

And they mainly want to teach them not to question, not to challenge, not to imagine,
but to be obedient and behave well so that they can hold them forever as children to their bosom as the second millennium lurches toward its panicky close.

___By Jerome Stern. This monologue aired March 17 on _All Things Considered_, National Public Radio's daily news broadcast.
Stern is a professor of English at Florida State University in Tallahassee.
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